I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
