You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize