So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
