if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
