I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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