Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just found a bag of teeth...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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