I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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