I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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