apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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