based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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