she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
