Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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