if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
