No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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