why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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