Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
