you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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