turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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