we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
