speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
