weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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