Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
