Define "chronic" masturbator.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
