just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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