you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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