Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
