so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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