My Higher Power is John Stamos
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
