i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
