If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
