I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize