So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
