i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
