I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Vodka?
Forever.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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