Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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