masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
