He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
