So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize