I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
