I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize