Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm at about main and main street
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
