wrigley field is MILF paradise
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
as a side note pls kill me
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