Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
