Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
3 2 1 whiskey
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
