Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
