just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
