the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
