Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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