She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
