You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
