Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
