If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
