I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
