life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
