how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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