I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
