Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
