you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize