i jhust puked up my retainher.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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