Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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