Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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