I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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