I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
