You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
