Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
