He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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