new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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