Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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