i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize