my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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