I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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