Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
